Of Love & Regret Read online

  He grimaced in response, although I could see the smile he was trying to suppress. “I think my eardrums just shattered. Your falsetto sounds like a cat dying.”

  I grinned and ignored his complaint, continuing to sing along, although I knew he wasn’t exactly exaggerating. I wasn’t known for my beautiful singing voice, but I was feeling happy and light, and the upbeat song just added to my good mood.

  When we got to the aquarium, we parked and waited in line at the ticket counter. Fortunately, the line wasn’t too long, and after we handed our tickets to the attendant, we were immersed in another world. It was soothing to be surrounded by glass walls full of sleek animals slicing their way through the deep blue water. We spent a good amount of time at each exhibit, saving my favorite for last. As we neared the sea otters, I was literally pulling him along to make him move faster as my anticipation of seeing those cute, furry faces grew.

  The new exhibit was expansive, and I immediately spotted at least ten otters gliding through the water. We spent some time in the underwater viewing area, but my favorite part was watching them on the surface of the water, so we made our way upstairs to lean against the railing.

  I couldn’t help squealing like a little kid as I watched them floating around on their backs. “They’re so freaking cute! I wish I could take one home with me.”

  “It’d probably be a little difficult to have a sea otter as a pet,” Logan commented drily. “I can’t imagine they’d be happy swimming around in your bathtub.”

  Logan stood next to me with his arm casually around my waist and his hand braced against the railing on the opposite side of me. It was nothing unusual, since I was normally affectionate with all my friends, but this morning’s awkwardness still lingered, and I wasn’t feeling completely myself around Logan. The heat of his arm around me felt almost stifling, and I straightened so that he was forced to let his arm drop.

  “I guess,” I answered lamely. I watched the sea otters do their water gymnastics for a few moments as my mind scrambled for something to say. I was rarely ever at a loss for words around Logan. Our conversations were natural and organic, and I usually felt at ease around him, but right now my emotions were confusing me. I was too aware of him as a virile male today, and I wished I had some space to get my head on straight. My thoughts strayed to a time when my feelings for him had been much more than platonic, but I shut down that line of thinking immediately. There was no point in rehashing an impossible desire. Besides, I had moved past that a long time ago.

  “Do sea otters mate for life?” Logan asked conversationally, oblivious to the internal battle waging inside me as he watched two otters clinging together by their paws.

  “No. They have multiple partners throughout their life. The males are jackasses, too, when they mate. They scratch the females all up, and usually hold them down underwater in the process.”

  For some reason, my blunt answer gave me some measure of satisfaction. Logan raised an eyebrow at my reply.

  “I guess sea otters don’t do monogamy very well. Although, all that other stuff could be considered foreplay. Maybe they just like it rough.”

  I knew he was only joking, but his comment irritated me. I had a sudden flash of him and Ella passionately making love, and it left a bitter taste in my mouth. I found myself speaking in a combative, aggressive tone—something I rarely directed towards Logan.

  “Sea otters aren’t the only species that don’t do monogamy well,” I said acerbically. “Humans are pretty messed up in that area, as well. You should know that better than anyone, considering you can’t seem to stay with one woman for more than a few months before bailing.”

  I stared straight ahead of me, knowing that my response was irrational and my attack uncalled for, but I hadn’t been able to prevent the words from spilling out. I was afraid to look at Logan, so I just concentrated on the sea otters, which didn’t look so cute anymore. After a long stretch of silence, I finally gathered the courage to turn to look at him. He was studying me with a frown, looking more perplexed than angry.

  “What’s wrong, Madison?”

  I shrugged, knowing that I was acting like a hormonal teenager having a temper tantrum, but my embarrassment at my behavior just made me more sullen. “Nothing. I was just making an observation.”

  “Is everything alright? Is something going on between you and Adam that you haven’t told me about?”

  Logan’s gentle tone made me feel even more ashamed, and I dropped my head, breaking eye contact. I didn’t know what was wrong with me today, but I vowed not to take it out on Logan anymore. When I finally raised my head again to look at him, I saw his blue eyes were concerned.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me today. I didn’t mean that crap about you and the women you date. It’s none of my business how you want to conduct your relationships. And there’s nothing wrong with me and Adam. At least, nothing more than I’ve already told you. I guess I just woke up on the bitch side of the bed today.”

  Logan didn’t speak right away as he gazed at me as if he was trying to determine the sincerity of my sentiments. I was relieved when he finally gave me a wry smile.

  “Remind me never to ask you about sea otters and their mating habits again. I didn’t know it was such a hot-button topic for you,” he said drily. He pulled me towards him with his arm around my waist. “Now let’s kiss and make up.”

  “We weren’t even fighting,” I grumbled, trying not to show how instantly electrified I was by his words. I didn’t expect him to actually kiss me, but the prospect of it as I tilted my head up to meet his gaze left me almost breathless. The little breath I had left almost disappeared completely when I saw his head descending closer to mine. I was frozen in shock. The last thing I expected was for Logan to actually kiss me, yet I couldn’t move away. A hundred thoughts swirled in my head, one of them being that kissing Logan was definitely not okay when I had a boyfriend. That didn’t explain my disappointment when I felt his lips press against my forehead in an affectionate, almost brotherly kiss. It also didn’t explain why that chaste kiss made my heart race.

  I tried to smile casually when we broke apart, praying that my outward expression didn’t show how his perfunctory kiss on the forehead had made me feel. I tried to cover my reaction by making a joke.

  “Now that we’ve had our make-up sex, I’m starving. Let’s go to the Half Pitcher.”

  Logan grinned. “Wow, this is the least amount of time we’ve spent at the sea otter exhibit. Maybe we should have a lover’s quarrel every time we come to the aquarium. It saves me from having to stare at them for hours on end.”

  I rolled my eyes as I pulled him away from the exhibit. “Just count yourself lucky this time. Let’s go.”

  I lectured myself that I needed to take his comments as they were meant to be taken, simply as jokes, instead of something more. I craved the easy banter we usually had, and I resolved to try to keep my composure for the rest of the day.

  Chapter Three

  Even though we had spent much less time at the aquarium than normal, it was already early evening by the time we arrived at the Half Pitcher. I was feeling like myself again and was looking forward to a beer and a huge plate of nachos.

  The bar was pretty full, despite it being early, and we were lucky to snag one of the last tables. I couldn’t help but notice women glancing at Logan as we walked through the bar. His dark blond hair begged for a woman to run her fingers through it and his navy sweater made his eyes seem even bluer. He was the perfect walking image of a Ralph Lauren advertisement. I should have been used to the gawking by now, but I was still as keenly aware as ever of the female attention he drew. My awareness of it was even more pronounced today since I had engaged in a little gawking myself this morning. It wasn’t that I was jealous, especially since I had no claim on him. It was just so blatant that it was hard to ignore.

  “What are you doing tomorrow?” Logan asked after the waitress had served us our beers and taken o
ur food order.

  “I’m not sure. Adam said he needs to work on his book all weekend, so I might hang out with Emily.” I took a long swallow of my beer, welcoming the cold liquid that slid down my throat. “What about you?”

  Logan shrugged. “Nothing much. I’ll probably hit the gym but that’s about it.”

  I raised my eyebrows at him quizzically. “What was the song and dance you gave Ella about being busy all weekend? She must really be getting the ax.”

  He frowned and stared down at his beer bottle, absentmindedly picking at the label. “Like I said, she’s getting a little demanding. I told her when we started seeing each other that I didn’t want anything serious, and she agreed, but now she’s pushing for more.”

  “Is that so wrong? Why do you have such a fear of commitment? You’re twenty-eight years old, Logan. It’s time to invest a little more in a woman instead of just looking for a good time. Since I’ve known you, you’ve never dated the same woman for more than four months.”

  Logan looked at me, his blue eyes dark. “That’s not true.”

  My insides clenched at my mistake. “You know what I meant. As an adult.”

  He didn’t say anything for a few beats, but I didn’t miss the tension in his face. When he finally did speak, it was to turn the tables on me.

  “So, I should be with someone just for the sake of being in a relationship, even if I’m not in love with that person? What’s the appropriate time period for that? Three years?”

  Logan’s biting words cut into me, not only because of his tone but because it was so out of character for him. Logan was always patient and understanding with me, almost to a fault. It was jarring to hear him speak so caustically.

  “That’s not fair,” I said, my grip on my beer bottle tightening. “You can’t compare my relationship with Adam to your non-relationships. Besides, I never said I wasn’t in love with him anymore. In fact, I think the problem is that I’m not committed enough to him. I keep pushing him away when instead I should be getting closer to him. The problems in our relationship are mostly my fault.”

  “That’s bullshit,” Logan said bluntly. “That asshole is so self-involved that he can’t love anyone besides himself. Do you really think he’s writing the Great American Novel? More likely, he’s shitting away his parents’ money while pretending like he’s some sort of intellectual. In reality, he couldn’t think his way out of a paper bag.”

  I was shocked by Logan’s character assassination of Adam. They were far from being best friends, but Logan had always seemed to view Adam as a mildly amusing distraction the few times we had all hung out together. And I was always appreciative of Adam not being threatened by my friendship with Logan. He took me for my word when I told him we were just friends, and seemed to regard Logan as a friendly acquaintance.

  Anger flared inside me at Logan’s words. It was one thing for me to have doubts about Adam. It was another thing for Logan to say such cruel things about him. Despite knowing that our conversation was spiraling out of control, instead of trying to neutralize the situation, I wanted to return his hurtful barb with one in kind.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” I said icily, my voice dripping with contempt. “I guess you’re just used to being around people like Ella. What is she again? A neurosurgeon? A rocket scientist? Oh yeah, she doesn’t have a job. She has mommy and daddy supporting her, too. Sounds like she and Adam have a lot in common, although at least I know for sure that he knows how to read and write. I have my doubts about Ella. The last conversation I had with her, she told me she never votes because she doesn’t like waiting in lines and the ballot machines are confusing.”

  My words were ugly, and I wanted to take them back as soon as I said them, but my indignant anger wouldn’t let me. I expected Logan to lash out again, but he was silent as he watched me, looking sad more than anything else.

  “Madison, this isn’t us,” he finally said. “Why are we fighting like this?”

  I was instantly deflated by his words, my anger disappearing as quickly as it had flared. This wasn’t us. We never spoke to each other like this, and I didn’t know how our conversation had gotten out of hand so quickly.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, feeling genuinely contrite. “I just got defensive when you started insulting Adam.”

  “Is that it?” Logan asked quietly. “Or is something else bothering you?”

  “Like what?” I took another long swallow of my beer so I didn’t have to look him in the eye.

  “Like the fact that Cassie’s birthday is next week, never mind all the memories that come along with that.”

  I shook my head. “I really don’t want to talk about that right now.”

  Logan looked like he was about to protest, but he was interrupted by the arrival of the waitress with our plate of nachos. Using the term plate to describe the monstrosity before us was ludicrous. The Half Pitcher actually used metal pizza pans to serve their nachos, because they were the only things large enough to contain the amount of chips, chili, guacamole, cheese, and the multiple other toppings that comprised their nachos.

  I was relieved when Logan dropped the subject and we commenced trying to navigate our way through all the gooey cheese. I noticed Logan pushing all the jalapenos in my direction, and I was reminded of how considerate he was. He knew how much I loved jalapenos so he always ate around them, making sure they ended up on my side of the plate. Sometimes, I took Logan’s consideration for granted, and it made me feel guilty. Maybe I was becoming too dependent on him. I was making him my pseudo-boyfriend because I was dissatisfied with my real one. It wasn’t fair to Adam, and it especially wasn’t fair to Logan. I had the sudden realization that maybe the reason Logan never had long-term relationships was because he was too busy catering to my demands. I felt selfish and self-absorbed, and I drowned the sorrows of my newfound realization by shoveling the nachos in my mouth as fast as I could.

  I looked up during my eating binge to find Logan watching me instead of eating.

  “What?” I asked, almost belligerently. I was sure I looked a sight as I ate like I had starved myself all week.

  “You’re attacking the nachos like it owes you money or something. Are you still mad at me for what I said about Adam?”

  I shook my head, lowering the tortilla chip I had been about to shove into my mouth. “No, although it was an asshole thing to say.”

  Logan shrugged, unperturbed by my assessment of his statement. “I can live with that.”

  I rolled my eyes, but his comment broke the tension, and I was able to relax. I was starting to feel a little sick from my gluttonous attack of the nachos and decided to take a break from eating. I took a sip of the second round of beers the waitress had brought along with our food.

  “How’s work going?” I asked. It was a blatant change of subject, but he went along with it.

  “Good, but my caseload is pretty crazy, and I just brought in a new corporate client which means even more work. I’m expecting to be made partner this year so hopefully all the long hours will pay off. If it doesn’t happen, there are plenty of other law firms that have made it known that they’re interested in me.”

  “That’s amazing!” I exclaimed. “You’ll probably be the youngest partner at your firm!” I felt so much pride for him that I thought I would burst. Not only was Logan brilliant, he worked hard and took nothing for granted. He came from a wealthy family and could easily have used their influence and money to get ahead, but instead, he used his own intelligence and determination to succeed.

  Logan shrugged at my assessment. “We’ll see when it actually happens.” He took a long swig of his beer and turned the subject to me. “What about you? Still happy at The Monitor Reports?”

  I nodded with a smile. “You know it’s my dream job. I can roll out of bed in the morning, and my commute to work is only a few steps into my living room. Plus, how many people can wear pajamas while working and not worry about looking grubby? My hair can be sticking out a million d
ifferent directions, and I can spill coffee down my shirt without having to worry about changing.”

  Logan raised an eyebrow. “You paint a charming picture.” He motioned to the waitress for another round of beers, and I was surprised to realize I was already finished with my second one. The waitress wasted no time getting us the next round, and I took a long sip of the fresh beer, feeling my cheeks flush a little. I normally didn’t drink very much so I was already feeling happily buzzed. Having Logan sitting next to me in what seemed like a cozy cocoon in a noisy, crowded bar made me even happier.

  The next few hours passed pleasantly in easy camaraderie, but I noticed that Logan had stopped drinking while I kept downing one after another. Every time I ordered another beer, Logan raised an eyebrow, but I ignored it. I had lost track of which number drink I was on as I looked for our waitress to order another, but I was distracted by Logan’s frown.

  “I think you’ve had enough.”

  I blinked at him, trying to process his statement through my cloudy mind. I knew I was drinking more than usual, but I didn’t understand what the big deal was. There was nothing wrong with relaxing and having a few beers and getting a little buzzed.

  “I think I’m capable of knowing whether I’ve had enough to drink or not.” I winced a little at my slurred words, which didn’t help my case. “You’re the one being a Debbie Downer and not drinking anymore.”

  “In case you forgot, I have to drive.”

  I nodded, feeling slightly dumb, because I had forgotten. “Oh, yeah. Well, I don’t have to drive so I can drink as much as I want.”

  Logan narrowed his eyes but just watched as I ordered another beer from the waitress. When I turned back to him, I rolled my eyes at his expression.

  “So I’m having a few beers,” I said, feeling exasperated. “What’s the big deal?”